Ponderous and Pensive

I think I think too much for my own good. I spend more time and energy thinking than I do almost anything else.
My thoughts are random, and jump rapidly from one area to another.

Despite that randomness, today I have found myself thinking greatly about my kidney donation. I have a meeting with the Surgeon on Thursday, September 24th, and this will be the first meeting my husband will attend with me. The meeting is to discuss my anatomy, and which kidney they would take. I will need to get a blood test done as well as I am still working on getting (and keeping) my iron at a decent level.
From this meeting, the team will then go to a Round Table discussion, and my understanding is this is where the final decision, the go/no-go will be decided.


I'm not nervous about the appointment, I'm nervous about the decision. This is really, truly, something I want to do, and I am scared they will tell me no. I am scared they will say that I am a young woman who hasn't had children yet, and that thank you very much for the offer, but come back after you've had kids. I don't want them to say that. I want to do this, and as much as I know I will do this later if they say no now,  I am ready for this now.

I now this is horrible, but I was thinking that maybe they will let me go ahead. I mean, I've had every test in the book. They've spent a lot of time working with me, testing me, evaluating me, making sure I make the grade. To have all those resources go to waste because of my age, and to deny someone a kidney, I think that would be a shame. But then again, that perspective is tainted by my own desire to do this.

The other thing I have been thinking about lately is speaking out. I have been adamant about remaining anonymous, but have started to think that maybe I could advocate for Anonymous Donation, and hopefully encourage more people to enter the program and help save more lives. The only reason, and I must stress this, only reason I would do this is to try and help. There are so many men, women, and children waiting for organs, and kidneys... you can live perfectly fine with just one. So with all the healthy people out there, and all the people that are fighting for their lives, doesn't it make sense to try and match them up? And if I can help with that, should I? Or stick to my original plan which was to donate my kidney, tell as few people as possible, and continue on with my life.

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, but if you do, I would really appreciate some feedback. What would you do? Speak up? Or Donate and continue on with life? Why?

Hope

I have been thinking a lot about the state of the world, about where we are as a culture, as a society, as a part of the global collective. What defines us? Collectively? Individually? What unites us? 

I think that across all borders, political, racial, religious, age, gender, intellectual, the uniting factor is Hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.

Many people Hope for different things. They pray and they work relentlessly to make change. Change in their own lives, change in laws. Some fight for equality, for justice, for respect, for the right to marry, for freedom, for the environment. But what guides us, what gets us through the days, and especially the nights, is a Hope that all of our work will not be in vain, that there will be a better tomorrow.

Its discouraging to work so hard at something, anything, and never see a change. To think that you don't make a difference, that no one would notice you or your efforts were gone. To think that your small effort in changing your light bulbs to be more Eco friendly will not make any difference. To think that when you write letters for freedom, to sign a petition (or champion the petition) to change laws will never amount to anything, it breaks the heart, but not the spirit. 

This is where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and that these small changes do make a difference. That is why we do these things, why we take these small steps, make these small changes, and continue to work and pray. Not all of these things are small, and most of them are not easy. Easy is too often the way people go, and it is rarely what is best (but who am I to say what is best?). That these actions will lead to a better tomorrow.

We Hope. Hope unites us across every border and boundary. Hope is universal.

I Hope that I can do something, however small, to create a better tomorrow. 

What gives you hope? What do you Hope for?

Just Adding to the List

I got to meet my little sister today. I have gone through the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and am finally becoming a Big Sister!
My little sister is super amazing! She is smart, funny, and is beautiful, inside and out. I'm really excited to begin hanging out with her, and can't wait to get to know her more.
Today at the intake meeting with my little, her mom, and the mentoring coordinator, I learned that my little is on a reduced sodium diet because she has had some medical issues, and needs to watch her sodium due to the state of her kidneys. She's 11.
That's just one more reason why I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I only just met her, and already I can tell what an amazing young girl she is, and if her kidneys failed and she needed a donor...
I don't even want to think about that.
But what I do know is that I believe in the good of this world. I believe that a single person can make a difference. I believe that despite what so many people have told me, donating my kidney is the right thing to do.
My little sister is one more reason why I am donating my kidney, and am proud to do it.

Possibilities Give Me Hope

I had a business lunch today with my boss and a local philanthropist and it was one of the most incredible meals I have ever eaten. We were there to talk about the possibility of providing a scholarship for one of the girls in our program, and all he said was "tell me what you need".

Not only is he more than willing to share his good fortune, but he helped come up with ways in which we can take his acts of kindness and make more of an impact on the local community. His focus was on saving one life. Making a difference for 1 girl. And he does this all over the world.

The possibilities for life that come from a man like this give me hope for a better tomorrow. He helps me believe that one person can make a difference, and that you only need to change one life.

I am very fortunate in so many ways, and I want to help in any way that I can.

Live Like You Were Dying

When this song happens upon my ipod I must admit it makes me want to quit my job, go skydiving, see the world, and have a new experience everyday. It makes me think of those people who say that they have never "truly lived" for one reason or another, and in light my desire to donate a kidney, it makes me think of those that can't because they are on dialysis 12hrs a week, are too frail to travel, and spend every waking moment praying for a second chance.

I am very thankful for all of the opportunities that I have had in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than life itself, I have a wonderful family that treasures me, friends so close they are family, and I have lived a life. In my short years here I have been to University, graduated with 2 degrees, spent 6 months in Europe seeing sights I never thought I would see in person. I've had experiences, I've had my moments (fitting follow up to Live Like You Were Dying is I've Had My Moments by Emerson Drive). I've lived a full life, and although I know that I will come out of the surgery with flying colours and go on to have a family of my own, get my pilots license, and continue to have random wonderful adventures; I know that if something happens and this is it for me, I will have lived a life I can be proud of, a life of no regrets, a life of love, passion, family, friends, and meaning. 

I want to leave you with the lyrics that inspired my post today:

Artist: McGraw Tim 
Song: Live Like You Were Dying 
Album: Live Like You Were Dying

He said: "I was in my early forties,
"With a lot of life before me,
"An' a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
"I spent most of the next days,
"Looking at the x-rays,
"An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time."
I asked him when it sank in,
That this might really be the real end?
How’s it hit you when you get that kind of news?
Man whatcha do?

An' he said: "I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

He said "I was finally the husband,
"That most the time I wasn’t.
"An' I became a friend a friend would like to have.
"And all of a sudden goin' fishin’,
"Wasn’t such an imposition,
"And I went three times that year I lost my Dad.
"Well, I finally read the Good Book,
"And I took a good long hard look,
"At what I'd do if I could do it all again,
"And then:

"I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?
An' what can I do with it?
An' what would I do with it?

"Sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I watched Blue Eagle as it was flyin'."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

"No! Absolutely not!"

So my mother-in-law knows. Wanna guess what her reaction was?

Needless to say she basically said that she thinks its great that I want to do this, but that I shouldn't. That I was putting my future children at risk, and living with one kidney is a completely different life. Which it isn't.  And there is a greater risk that I will be hit by a bus walking to work than have complications during pregnancy.

Interesting piece of the puzzle... when we were talking about it, my husband asked her if I was donating to my best friend if that would change her reaction. "Absolutely." So she is an example of the issue being that its non-directed.

That continues to boggle my mind. And I guess I'm learning that I don't think the same way a lot of people do, because to me, just because I don't know someone doesn't mean that their life is not worth as much as mine, that its okay for someone else to die because of a 1 in 300,000 chance of complications. To me, I have the ability to do this, and to not do it to me is almost like playing God and deciding who lives and who dies. Each person has the power to save a life, via blood donation, bone marrow transfusion, or even organ donation. The process is albeit time consuming, but it is relatively simple, and it saves a life. Is it not worth taking a few hours and a few weeks out of your life to give someone years to love and be loved? If it were your loved one, nothing is worth more than a life, and so why would that change because I don't know the recipient?

The other question that both mothers have now asked is "do I get to pick who gets my kidney?" Do I get to say only a  child can have it, or a single mother? NO! And I wouldn't want to either.

No, my kidney goes to the next person on the transplant list that I am a match for, regardless of who they are, how old they are, or why they need a kidney. Thats none of my business, and I don't want to know.


Moving on.

Now, all of the people that  need to know, know. Now I just hope and pray that I am able to get my iron up and am approved for donation. I know that I will have all the support I need to get through this.

And of course, I will continue to chronicle my experiences, the tests, the surgery, and the recovery.

Telling the Other Mother

My husband and I decided that we were far enough along in the process that we should start telling a few people what I was planning. Out of respect for my mother, we decided to tell her first. Which we did.

But now to tell my husband's mother. I love her so dearly, I am very blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with her, and all of my in-laws for that matter. They have really made me a part of the family, and I enjoy a relationship with my mother-in-law outside of interactions with her and my husband.

Yet despite how wonderful the relationship is, I am still nervous about telling her. I get nervous when telling anyone about this. 1, because I am not overly confident that some of the people will be able to keep this to themselves (I'm fairly certain one person I told did not), and 2, because there is still the chance that I will not be able to complete the donation and then I will have to share that news as well. I suppose the 3rd reason is that I am not sure how to deal with this in the instance where I get a negative response.

For whatever reason, I feel as though I would be a failure if I am unable to donate. I am struggling to explain why I would feel that way, so instead of doing a poor job describing it and/or analyzing it, I'm just going to let it be.

The good news is, getting back to telling my mother-in-law, is that I think the 'information distribution' instead of the 'sales job' tactic worked well when I told my mother, and think that I will go down that same path this time round. *fingers crossed* that this will go over well, and that both her and my father-in-law will be there to support my husband and I through the rest of this process.