Live Like You Were Dying

When this song happens upon my ipod I must admit it makes me want to quit my job, go skydiving, see the world, and have a new experience everyday. It makes me think of those people who say that they have never "truly lived" for one reason or another, and in light my desire to donate a kidney, it makes me think of those that can't because they are on dialysis 12hrs a week, are too frail to travel, and spend every waking moment praying for a second chance.

I am very thankful for all of the opportunities that I have had in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than life itself, I have a wonderful family that treasures me, friends so close they are family, and I have lived a life. In my short years here I have been to University, graduated with 2 degrees, spent 6 months in Europe seeing sights I never thought I would see in person. I've had experiences, I've had my moments (fitting follow up to Live Like You Were Dying is I've Had My Moments by Emerson Drive). I've lived a full life, and although I know that I will come out of the surgery with flying colours and go on to have a family of my own, get my pilots license, and continue to have random wonderful adventures; I know that if something happens and this is it for me, I will have lived a life I can be proud of, a life of no regrets, a life of love, passion, family, friends, and meaning. 

I want to leave you with the lyrics that inspired my post today:

Artist: McGraw Tim 
Song: Live Like You Were Dying 
Album: Live Like You Were Dying

He said: "I was in my early forties,
"With a lot of life before me,
"An' a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
"I spent most of the next days,
"Looking at the x-rays,
"An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time."
I asked him when it sank in,
That this might really be the real end?
How’s it hit you when you get that kind of news?
Man whatcha do?

An' he said: "I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

He said "I was finally the husband,
"That most the time I wasn’t.
"An' I became a friend a friend would like to have.
"And all of a sudden goin' fishin’,
"Wasn’t such an imposition,
"And I went three times that year I lost my Dad.
"Well, I finally read the Good Book,
"And I took a good long hard look,
"At what I'd do if I could do it all again,
"And then:

"I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?
An' what can I do with it?
An' what would I do with it?

"Sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I watched Blue Eagle as it was flyin'."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

"No! Absolutely not!"

So my mother-in-law knows. Wanna guess what her reaction was?

Needless to say she basically said that she thinks its great that I want to do this, but that I shouldn't. That I was putting my future children at risk, and living with one kidney is a completely different life. Which it isn't.  And there is a greater risk that I will be hit by a bus walking to work than have complications during pregnancy.

Interesting piece of the puzzle... when we were talking about it, my husband asked her if I was donating to my best friend if that would change her reaction. "Absolutely." So she is an example of the issue being that its non-directed.

That continues to boggle my mind. And I guess I'm learning that I don't think the same way a lot of people do, because to me, just because I don't know someone doesn't mean that their life is not worth as much as mine, that its okay for someone else to die because of a 1 in 300,000 chance of complications. To me, I have the ability to do this, and to not do it to me is almost like playing God and deciding who lives and who dies. Each person has the power to save a life, via blood donation, bone marrow transfusion, or even organ donation. The process is albeit time consuming, but it is relatively simple, and it saves a life. Is it not worth taking a few hours and a few weeks out of your life to give someone years to love and be loved? If it were your loved one, nothing is worth more than a life, and so why would that change because I don't know the recipient?

The other question that both mothers have now asked is "do I get to pick who gets my kidney?" Do I get to say only a  child can have it, or a single mother? NO! And I wouldn't want to either.

No, my kidney goes to the next person on the transplant list that I am a match for, regardless of who they are, how old they are, or why they need a kidney. Thats none of my business, and I don't want to know.


Moving on.

Now, all of the people that  need to know, know. Now I just hope and pray that I am able to get my iron up and am approved for donation. I know that I will have all the support I need to get through this.

And of course, I will continue to chronicle my experiences, the tests, the surgery, and the recovery.

Living in the What If World

I've been distracted for days. Feeling like I'm out of sorts or not quite present in my activities and interactions. I've been inside my head far more than is healthy.

I keep thinking, well, we don't have kids yet. And does it make me a horrible person to donate before having kids knowing the risks? What if something happens during pregnancy that harms my child? Is it my fault? Am I bad person if I do this?

Living inside my mind for so many days, playing out so many scenarios, has made me spend a few more hours reading stories of other's donations, their experiences, and most of all, their motivation.

Most of the stories I read were short and not overly detailed. Very few were non-directed or anonymous and even less were young women. But one, stood out for me. This post details his experience, and the struggle to balance his own life and make donation as 'easy' as possible with his work and his family while balancing the needs of his sister, the recipient.

The one thing that came clear that really reminded me of what I am doing, is that all of the steps that I go through, all of the tests and procedures I have gone through, those are nothing compared to living on dialysis, diminished quality of life, the thought of dying unless a donor can be found... Another person's life literally hangs in the balance here, and all of everything that I have gone through mean nothing in comparison.

I know that if it was anyone in my life who needed a kidney and I wasn't a match, I would be begging strangers on the street. I would pray that there was someone out there who was young, healthy, and able to donate that would do something like this.

Yes, there are risks. Yes, it is major surgery. No, I haven't had children yet. Yes, we do want children, and do want the very best for them. But I do know that there is a mother, a father, a brother, a sister, a son, a daughter, praying for a kidney, and that they would ask how I could put a (relatively) small risk and minor inconvenience before the value of some one's life.

So when I live in the what-if world, when my mind goes to those places and I lose sight of why I am doing this, all I need to do is picture my life without a loved one in it, someone who would have died when a donation would have saved them, I know that I could never say no, stop.

I am a strong person, I know that I can deal with whatever life throws my way, and having been thrown a lot, I know that whatever comes from this donation will only make me stronger. I am prepared to deal with the risks. The What If World, its just a symptom of my overactive imagination and not the world I choose to live in.

I choose to live my life to the fullest, to create a world I want to live in, to not be afraid of the risks of living. I choose to love my husband, to love my job, to be close to my family, to treasure my friends, and not to be afraid of what the future holds. I love feeling alive, like I am doing something with my life and not merely existing.

No, the What If World is not for me. Its a place I go to every now and then, but not where I choose to live.