My own hesitancy

All the way through this process I have been blogging about tests, doctor's appointments, and random thoughts within about 24hrs of the event, or the event that triggered the thought process. Yet at the biggest moment in the process thus far I hesitated to blog about it. Yes, I've been busy with work (its our busiest time of year) but the same way I always seem to find time to email my best friend, I know that it would be easy for me to find time to update here.

So why the wait? Why has it been over a week since I got the call before saying anythings? To clarify that just a touch, I got the call, my boss knew right away as she was in the car beside me, and I promptly called my hubby to share the news (left a voicemail), and texted my best friend. I called my mom within a few hours as I knew it would be a bit more of a conversation with her instead of "Hi, got approved for surgery, very excited! chat more later, love you, bye!" and I wanted to make sure I had that time.

But why didn't I blog about it? What was stopping me? In all honesty I don't know. I've thought about it, it being both 'I should post' and 'why haven't I posted about this yet', and I've got nothing. Although I do think I am making up for the lack of posts in as this is my third of the night. As for the time delay, the best I can come up with is I wasn't sure how I was going to share the news with the 'world' and needed to let my back-brain sort things out (back-brain is my subconscious, I often put problems there that I can't consciously figure out a solution to, and when my subconscious has figured it out, I become aware of the solution). After all that time and subconscious activity I would have thought my announcement would have been accompanied by a bit more fanfare, however I am just not that good at coding and didn't know how to make fireworks go off when you got to my blog. That and they would be almost like a pop-up ad which I despise more than anything. So no fanfare, just a simple announcement that has now been buried under 2 additional posts. Meh.

Thankfully, blogging is the only thing I have had some hesitancy about in this whole process. Yes, I do think twice about what I am doing, but do I ever doubt my decision? No. Not for a moment. I was on the phone with my mother last night and we were chatting about this, and again babies came up. Her thoughts are I shouldn't do anything that could potentially harm my *eventual* babies, that they deserved every opportunity I could give them. I countered with 'the recipient is some one's baby. They have a mother and a father and a family too. Don't they deserve the opportunity to live?' Her only comment to this was that I was her baby.

This goes back to my thought process: Just because I don't know someone doesn't mean their life is worth any less than mine. My kidney is not going to a dump, to someplace where it will be wasted and any potential health risks will have been in vain. My kidney is going to give someone another chance at life. Therefor, any and all risks are worth it.

So here's a question to you: what are your views on the value of life? on human nature? Do you believe that all people are inherently good? Or all are inherently bad and have to be taught to be good? Nature vs nurture?

Switching Sides

I was in the car with my boss running errands when the call came through. I was over the moon, doing a happy dance in my seat (she was driving) and she... took a deep breath. She told me that through all of this she had played devil's advocate trying to make sure I knew what I was doing (and I'm sure trying to convince me not to go through with it) but now that its been confirmed, she is switching sides.

Switching sides means that she has said her piece, and now will be there to support me wholeheartedly. She will be there for me, not just as my boss, but as a friend. I feel so blessed. I truly do. Donation is very important to me, and knowing that I have support and am not going to have to continually defend my decision makes it easier for me. It was going to happen one way or another, but its nice to know that the people I know and love are behind me instead of fighting me.

So to you, my wonderful boss, I thank you for your support.

And to any readers out there, what are your thoughts? What type of support have you encountered? How does it influence your decision? Would love to hear what its like for you...

We are Go For Donation!

Thats right, I got the call, the team had Rounds, and I have been cleared for donation!
They are putting me in the local tissue bank to see what they can find, as well as in the National Registry for possibly getting involved in a paired exchange. How awesome is that?

To be honest I am relieved. I was worried that they would say 'no'. I was worried that they would look at me and say 'you are a young woman, you haven't had kids, so thank you for the thought, but come back after you've had babies.' Don't get me wrong, my mother wold be over the moon if they said that, she thinks I should wait. And I think I should wait for babies. I'm young, I have lots of time, hubby and I are still getting things sorted, and now is the right time for donation, not for babies.

Getting back to the 'its a go for donation' part, YAY! I am super excited about this and now just need to wait for a match... Gosh... thats one thing I never really thought of, what if they can't find a match? I mean, I don't think that my blood type is that rare or anything like that... and I don't think that I would be so unique that there wouldn't be a match in the entire country. But I never really thought of that.

So where do we go from here? Well, I wait for a match to be found, then I will have a blood test (apparently they need fresh blood) to confirm the match, and although I am sure there will be a few more tests thrown in there, it pretty much goes to booking the surgery, final tests to confirm the match, then the surgery. Pretty simple and straight forward.

For me personally, as soon as a match is confirmed and surgery is booked I am going to start my time off work. Hopefully I will be donating in my current city, but if not I would need to be in the city of donation at least 4 days before (and at least 10 days after). That being said, I am sure there are going to be so many tests and things to do that I won't be able to give my job the attention it deserves, so I will take a few days before medical leave kicks in.

Ponderous and Pensive

I think I think too much for my own good. I spend more time and energy thinking than I do almost anything else.
My thoughts are random, and jump rapidly from one area to another.

Despite that randomness, today I have found myself thinking greatly about my kidney donation. I have a meeting with the Surgeon on Thursday, September 24th, and this will be the first meeting my husband will attend with me. The meeting is to discuss my anatomy, and which kidney they would take. I will need to get a blood test done as well as I am still working on getting (and keeping) my iron at a decent level.
From this meeting, the team will then go to a Round Table discussion, and my understanding is this is where the final decision, the go/no-go will be decided.


I'm not nervous about the appointment, I'm nervous about the decision. This is really, truly, something I want to do, and I am scared they will tell me no. I am scared they will say that I am a young woman who hasn't had children yet, and that thank you very much for the offer, but come back after you've had kids. I don't want them to say that. I want to do this, and as much as I know I will do this later if they say no now,  I am ready for this now.

I now this is horrible, but I was thinking that maybe they will let me go ahead. I mean, I've had every test in the book. They've spent a lot of time working with me, testing me, evaluating me, making sure I make the grade. To have all those resources go to waste because of my age, and to deny someone a kidney, I think that would be a shame. But then again, that perspective is tainted by my own desire to do this.

The other thing I have been thinking about lately is speaking out. I have been adamant about remaining anonymous, but have started to think that maybe I could advocate for Anonymous Donation, and hopefully encourage more people to enter the program and help save more lives. The only reason, and I must stress this, only reason I would do this is to try and help. There are so many men, women, and children waiting for organs, and kidneys... you can live perfectly fine with just one. So with all the healthy people out there, and all the people that are fighting for their lives, doesn't it make sense to try and match them up? And if I can help with that, should I? Or stick to my original plan which was to donate my kidney, tell as few people as possible, and continue on with my life.

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, but if you do, I would really appreciate some feedback. What would you do? Speak up? Or Donate and continue on with life? Why?

Hope

I have been thinking a lot about the state of the world, about where we are as a culture, as a society, as a part of the global collective. What defines us? Collectively? Individually? What unites us? 

I think that across all borders, political, racial, religious, age, gender, intellectual, the uniting factor is Hope. Hope for a better tomorrow.

Many people Hope for different things. They pray and they work relentlessly to make change. Change in their own lives, change in laws. Some fight for equality, for justice, for respect, for the right to marry, for freedom, for the environment. But what guides us, what gets us through the days, and especially the nights, is a Hope that all of our work will not be in vain, that there will be a better tomorrow.

Its discouraging to work so hard at something, anything, and never see a change. To think that you don't make a difference, that no one would notice you or your efforts were gone. To think that your small effort in changing your light bulbs to be more Eco friendly will not make any difference. To think that when you write letters for freedom, to sign a petition (or champion the petition) to change laws will never amount to anything, it breaks the heart, but not the spirit. 

This is where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and that these small changes do make a difference. That is why we do these things, why we take these small steps, make these small changes, and continue to work and pray. Not all of these things are small, and most of them are not easy. Easy is too often the way people go, and it is rarely what is best (but who am I to say what is best?). That these actions will lead to a better tomorrow.

We Hope. Hope unites us across every border and boundary. Hope is universal.

I Hope that I can do something, however small, to create a better tomorrow. 

What gives you hope? What do you Hope for?

Just Adding to the List

I got to meet my little sister today. I have gone through the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and am finally becoming a Big Sister!
My little sister is super amazing! She is smart, funny, and is beautiful, inside and out. I'm really excited to begin hanging out with her, and can't wait to get to know her more.
Today at the intake meeting with my little, her mom, and the mentoring coordinator, I learned that my little is on a reduced sodium diet because she has had some medical issues, and needs to watch her sodium due to the state of her kidneys. She's 11.
That's just one more reason why I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I only just met her, and already I can tell what an amazing young girl she is, and if her kidneys failed and she needed a donor...
I don't even want to think about that.
But what I do know is that I believe in the good of this world. I believe that a single person can make a difference. I believe that despite what so many people have told me, donating my kidney is the right thing to do.
My little sister is one more reason why I am donating my kidney, and am proud to do it.

Possibilities Give Me Hope

I had a business lunch today with my boss and a local philanthropist and it was one of the most incredible meals I have ever eaten. We were there to talk about the possibility of providing a scholarship for one of the girls in our program, and all he said was "tell me what you need".

Not only is he more than willing to share his good fortune, but he helped come up with ways in which we can take his acts of kindness and make more of an impact on the local community. His focus was on saving one life. Making a difference for 1 girl. And he does this all over the world.

The possibilities for life that come from a man like this give me hope for a better tomorrow. He helps me believe that one person can make a difference, and that you only need to change one life.

I am very fortunate in so many ways, and I want to help in any way that I can.